eusebio’s blog

v asked if we could try again, so we are.

v broke up with me last night.

so V and I have been a couple for a couple of weeks now. things are going well apart from the occassional, "what did you mean by that?" followed by the compulsory german look. the language barrier is interesting and though my german is comiong along quicker than i had anticipated, i am still a long way off from being able to hold a reasonable conversation with V in said language. fortunately there seems to be a good level of understanding on her part that maybe i am not being a tosser but rather what i said does not translate fully into her mother tongue. i certainly hope these conversations will lessen in frequency as time passes, and preferably not an hour before we are to catch a train to go on a weekend getaway to edinburgh.

we got through the conversation though it took at least half the train journey north to resolve.

edinburgh was good fun. i took her to some of my favourite places, the museum, the gallery, the castle, holyrood park. ate at wannaburger. seriously, if you go to edinbrugh, go to this place. a very north american style burger joint that serves truely fabulous veggie burgers. had sushi and at V's request ate haggis. now, let me clear. i like haggis but not something i necessarily look for except on burns night. she ordered the veggie haggis, which i think is just spiced oatmeal, and wasn't terribly impressed. she asked to try my full meat (such as it is) haggis, to which i gave the obligitory "what?" look. she had a taste and prefered it to the veggie, though not enough to start eating meat again.

this weekend a friend of V's, S, and her partner M, will be visiting from germany for the weekend. i have been invited to make four, which will be interesting. still not completely sure what we well do but being the only english speaker amongst three germans ought to be entertaining, especially as my german has not progressed beyond the romantic when i speak with V and the plain mundane. castle howard might be in order and i think M and i will be commiserating over a drink as the lasses go shopping. bless em.

an odd thing that. i had been single so long that i actually find myself enjoying the moments when V goes shopping and i go for moral support.

i like her.

in other news. i got a pay raise at work. i am approaching adult money now, which is kind of odd as it seems the british don't make adult money and are pornographically proud of it. on average people in the uk make less in real money than our european counterparts but people here have a bizarre pride in that fact. oddballs.

there is also a possibility that i have found a fund raiser to start my theatre projects in ernest. after the deportation of my theatrical sugar daddy i have been at quite a loss as to what to do. i have found no real pleasure in any of the am-dram projects i have done, and even my self produced (and extremely low budget) work has been unsatisfying. i need to do something. here's to hope.

and the music writing goes well though i have been having a monstrous time trying to get cakewalk to work. the support guys have said i need re-install the drivers for my sound card and then delete a couple of things. now, i got cakewalk on teh basis it was supposed to be idiot proof, adn i am a bit of an idiot when it comes to this sort of thing, so why is it that i need to do any of this... i know, i know, i should have bought a mac. anyway. there are some rough drafts on my myspace page which i recorded on a trial version of a different program. don't ask the obvious question. if you care to hear any of it go to this addy: www.myspace.com/notyouraveragemosquito

i think that is enough for today.

V and i went up to edinburgh this past weekend. it was much fun and i had been looking forward to it since we had decided to go. one thing was made amazingly clear to me this weekend, V and i have potential to be brilliant long term lovers or we will go down like plane in flames. i think we both need to be steady when a confusion in what is meant rears its head. we have gotten through it thus far, but... regardless, there is some real energy between us and i get to meet a few of her friends from germany this weekend coming.

in other news, my german is coming along. i can now say a few different phrases to my lady friend and be intelligible.

V and i are a couple. i am still basking in the newness of it, and i will continue to bask for a while. i am quite certain my feet haven't touched the ground today. yes, gentle readers, the cynic is smitten.

so V, on monday, sent me the "we should be friends" email. there had been a miscommunication between us, she had misinterprited something i had said in a conversation and thought i was be-littling her. i was certainly okay with the friends bit as i thought, 'if she is unwilling to consider this was a language/culture problem (did i mention she's german?) then what would it be like if we were in a relationship and having a real argument"

we went out to lunch today and she apologised realising that i didn't mean anything negative (we hadn't seen each other this week as i decided to give her some time to think). she asked if we could try again.

there are a couple of things that need to be spoken of here.

1. NO ONE apologises to me. i mean that. being apologised to after being wronged has happened to me so infrequently in my life that it is actually note worthy when it happens. it completely floored me. so of course i said we could continue to see where we are going.

2. she has given me the benifit of the doubt. instead of assuming i was being rude to her, she thought about who i am and made a decission based on that. see my post a short time ago regarding the stupidity that has plagued my reality regarding this sort of thing.

i have known here less than a month and already she has shown me a great deal as a person. she's taken to holding my hand, well, that started today. here's to hope.

and next weekend we are off to edinburgh.

E

i got the email from V today saying we should just be friends. i am disappointed for some reason as i have expected this. i could go on about the why, but there seems to be no point. at least i felt somewhat attractive for the first time in years, though it was fleeting.

her and i will still maintain a friendship, i hope, as i do like her. but i know that too will be fleeting. everything ends.

E

V and I went to a production of Amy's View by David Hare. I must say I wasn't a huge fan of the script, though there were some rather good bits, but the production was astoundingly attrocious. I have worked with the local group in the past on a few productions and they have never been that achingly bad. The acting was just... horrid.

I think nothing will be happening with V and I in a romantic sense. I have no reason to believe this but my stomach tells me to let go of her now before I foolishly attach myself. There it is. I suppose I believe that if something were going to happen it would have done so by now.

Maybe I'm wrong.

E

so V and i have been hanging out quite a bit since we met, which i am okay with as i happen to like her. and it is far more insane than that as we have agreed to go to france together this summer to visit a friend of mine in bordeaux. more than agreed, we bought the tickets.

so last night V came round my flat and i made her dinner. she brought desert. (steady) an interesting attempt at creme de banane avec mousse au chocolat. it tasted good at any rate.

so as i walk her to the bus stop she says, 'i don't know if i like you as a friend or lover.'

well. at least she hasn't ruled out the possibility and it is deffinately better than the normal, 'i would rather have cervical cancer,' reaction i get. but still quite mad.

i told her to relax as we barely know one another (i know, bordeaux, get over it) and there is lots of time for that sort of thing. i think she is concerned about our age difference, and there is a rather large one, but hey, you like who you like and you can't plan it.

c'est la vie. regardless, we are getting together friday to go see a play. ought to be fun.

e

so last saturday i went to the local goth night. it is something i haven't done in quite some time so i felt it would be good to celebrate my angst with some loud german music. i see a woman there who i had not seen before. i would have remembered seeing her as she is rather striking. brilliant eyse and the rest is pretty darned okay also. i spoke to my friend, J, okay, struggled through the little sign language i know (which is asl and J uses bsl which causes even more confusion) and mentioned i found this particular person extraordinarily attractive. so Js boyfriend comes up to me a bit later and says, 'J tells me you find V attractive.' right. so. me being the painfully gun shy type these last few years after the shit of the last two relationships plus other crappy factors, say yes but immediately shy away from being introduced until J forceably took me to V, intorduced us and promptly left.

I ended up walking V home, a normally 40 minute walk somehow took us an hour and a half and it was lovely. i had also invited V to my play on monday, which she came to and we exchanged contact details. i had given her my phone number but through a combination of being a bit drunk and dislexic, well, some of the numbers got scrambled. 

we went out again last evening for drinks and chatting. we went to a couple of places and had a drink at each, but as the evening waned the music played at these places became too loud to have conversation. so we ended up at mine continuing to converse and drinking a bottle of acceptable portuguese wine. the evening concluded with me walking V to hers and then back to mine again with a plan to have breakfast/lunch tomorrow at one of the local vegitarian places. we have also made tentative plans to go to the Klimt exhibit at the liverpool tate in may and to the albert hall museum in london in the next month or two to wander around and be mesmorised by the beauty of it all. she is curently a phd student at one of the local universities but she loves clothes and has been trained as a seamstress (she was wearing a very lovely outfit she made) and would like to go to the albert as it has the second largest clothing exhibit in the world.

i have to admit i was half expecting her to reveal she was a lesbian or in a relationship but it turns out i am actually attracted to someone who not only seems to be okay with my existance, but is single and straight. a first for the last three years.

i like her. i wonder where this will go.

E